I love SPAM, especially with pudding.

Okay,

Let me say upfront that I am sure this post is going to bring out some of momentary heartache of passing by the inane responses that may be given in order to glean any truth in this position.

Let the pudding fly!!!!!!!!

I win again

Blingo rules! Maybe you should join.

Everything you ever wanted to know, but were afraid to ask

I don't know why this suprised me.

About ten years ago my friend had a cassette tape called Glory Hole. There was a song on it I really liked. I can't remember the artist so I googled it, it was June Panic, but in the process I discovered things I never wanted to know.

Wouldn't it be easier to just post the "rules" on the door or something?

How to shower like a woman

Long version:(sorry, there is no short version with women)

1. Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.


2. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see your husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.


3. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror and stick out your gut so that you can complain and whine even more about how you're getting fat.


4. Turn on the hot water only.


5. Get in the shower, once you have found it through all that steam.


6. Look for face cloth, arm cloth,leg cloth, long loofah,wide loofah and pumice stone.


7. Wash your hair once with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.


8. Wash your hair again with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.


9. Condition your hair with Grapefruit Mint conditioner enhanced with natural avocado oil. Leave on hair for fifteen minutes.


10. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for ten minutes until red.


11. Wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake body wash.


12. Rinse conditioner off hair (this takes at least fifteen minutes as you must make sure that it has all come off).


13. Shave armpits and legs if it's saturday. Consider shaving bikini area but decide to get it waxed instead.


14. Slick hair back and pretend you're like Bo Derek in 10.


15. Scream loudly when your husband flushes the toilet and you get a rush of hot water.


16. Turn off shower.


17. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.


18. Spray mold spots with Tilex.


19. Get out of shower.


20. Dry with towel the size of a small country.


21. Wrap hair in super absorbent second towel.


22. Check entire body for the remotest sign of a zit. Attack with nails/tweezers if found.


23. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If you see your husband along the way, cover up any exposed flesh immediately, ignore his juvenile turban gags and then rush to bedroom.


24. Spend the next hour and a half getting dressed.

How to shower like a man

Short version:

1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile on the floor.



2. Walk naked to bathroom. If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the 'woo-woo' sound.



3. Look at your manly physique in the mirror to see if you have pecs (no). Admire the size of your wiener in the mirror and scratch your gut.



4. Get in the shower.



5. Don't bother to look for a washcloth. (you don't use one)



6. Wash your face.



7. Wash your armpits.



8. Crack up at how loud your fart sounds in the shower.



9. Wash your penis and surrounding area.



10. Wash your ass. (be sure to leave hair on the soap)



11. Shampoo your hair. (do not use conditioner)



12. Make a shampoo Mohawk.



13. Open the curtain and look at yourself in the mirror.



14. Pee



15. Rinse off and get out of the shower. Fail to notice water on the floor because you left the curtain hanging out of the tub the whole time.



16. Partially dry off.



17. Return to the bedroom with towel around your waist. If you pass your wife, pull off the towel, shake wiener at her, and make the "woo-woo" sound again.



18. Throw wet towel on the bed. Take 2 minutes to get dressed again.

Long version:

Replace #9 with: Masturbate using soap.

I want chinese dammit!

I've been craving chinese for weeks. Seriously, every time I get hungry it’s “mmm, chinese”. The thing is, I know someone who knows the restaurant inspector for the local health department and because of this I know too much. Now I’ll only eat where he eats and that leaves only two Chinese joints in town and neither one has a buffet. I’m pretty picky so I like my buffet! I can’t take it much longer. I’m going to have to break down and order off the menu. Wish me luck.

Love makes a marriage

10 reasons why gay marriage should be illegal I'm willing to bet it's not what you think.

Blingo!

Blingo rules. I won a $10 iTunes gift certificate today. I know you've all heard of it already, but it's the first time I've won and I'm fairly excited.

While on the subject of winning. The other day I won a $10 Amazon gift certificate from Searchips. Err... make that Searchchips.

Cool beans!

Let it rain!

I wish it would rain from 6am-10am everyday so I would always get rained out.

I hate my job!

Why?

I wonder why I'm doing this. I'm not one to talk about myself. Sure, I'm highly opinionated but I don't have much to say usually. And it's not like I'm an aspiring writer, hell I don't even like to write.

More to come. Maybe.